The monster on my back

There is a monster on my back that I am always having to carry around with me, no one can see it, but I know it’s there. I can feel the weight of it weighing me down, sometimes I feel like I am being crushed by it. 

I walk with my head down and my shoulders slumped over as I try and shrug it off, but it will not leave me alone. No one else can hear what it says to me but I often hear the whispers in my ear, taunting me. 

It likes to remind me of all of my bad points, it tells me that I am worthless, that I am a bad wife, mother, person and it laughs at me when it sees me trying to escape from it. It stops me from socialising, sometimes it keeps me housebound for weeks, and it often pushes my loved ones away. 

It stops me from enjoying hobbies and takes away my concentration, filling my head with criticism’s and worries. It drains every ounce of energy from me and makes me feel weak. It makes me cry, shout and scream and sometimes it makes me wonder if I should carry on living. 

Sometimes it hides from me, letting me think that I have escaped, days, weeks, sometimes even months will pass and then when I am least expecting it, it jumps right back on me, pulling me down and taking delight in my pain.

I have a monster on my back and it’s name is depression!

However, I have a plan. I am not going to give up and let it win, I am fighting back. Armed with medication and support from my husband I have been building up my strength and I am ready to kick that monster off my back for good. 

What that monster doesn’t know is that I have been watching it, learning how it works and the tricks that it plays. I have been making plans to combat every move it makes, finding ways to challenge every evil whisper that comes my way. 

Each passing day I feel the weight of that monster lessening, every victory no matter how small makes the monsters grip loosen. I am ready to rebuild my life and I do not have any room for that monster any more. 

I use to have a monster on my back but I am now breaking free!

This post is in support of mental health awareness week. May 12th – 18th 2014.

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  1. says:
    This is such a wonderful post, I love the positivity that you are portraying! I can't express how much I love your attitude towards depression, it's so great to be empowered!

    Thanks for linking up with Vicky, and I.

    Expat Frugalista
  2. says:
    Thank you Yaya - I really feel that the first step to recovery is believing that things can get better and changing your thinking to positive thoughts.
  3. What a wonderfully evocative post. So glad you're taking charge and kicking that monster into touch. We can't help suffering with depression, but we can take control of what we do when it strikes, and it sounds like you have an amazingly pro-active plan. Thanks so much for supporting Mental Health Awareness Week 2014 x
  4. says:
    Thank you Vicky :-) I hope that others can relate and see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
  5. Anonymous says:
    I don'thav ea diagnosis of clinical depression, but I can t otally relate to the heavy weight metaphor. When I do feel depressed, I feel a heavy feeling on my shoulders and back literally.
  6. says:
    It is a horrible feeling isn't it? There is hope though hun and once things get better it feels fantastic to walk with head high feeling lighter and happier :-)
  7. says:
    Well done for being so positive and proactive. You'll beat it :)
  8. says:
    Thank you Colette :-)

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