Stuck in a rut – a very honest but long post!

It has occurred to me over the last few days that I am completely stuck in a rut and it is not something that I like. The day before I am sat here writing this I found out that a very close family member may have cancer and they are only 25 years old. We are waiting for the results to come back and I realised how I am wasting my life and life is precious so no one should ever waste a moment.

The thing is that since having ME and very bad depression I have really let myself go and I am stuck in a bit of mess and I am wondering how on earth I am going to turn things around. I am very good at thinking of ways to be a great mum, partner, family, more organised and the like but I am not very good at applying all my ideas to my life myself. I am also very good at putting on a front to the outside world so that everyone thinks that I am enjoying life and handling things very well but in truth this is not the case.

When my ME was at it’s worst I was bed ridden and never left the house so I completely cut myself off from the outside world. This lead to a lot of problems and the biggest problem by a mile was my depression. Since being able to do more and being in recovery of ME I seem to have lost the ability to lead a normal life and I do not know how to start living again.

The truth about the rut that I am in.

My health.
* I am currently taking two different anti-depressants every day and the doctors have said that I am on the highest possible doses for both so they can not increase them anymore but yet I am still very depressed.
* I am two years late for my cervical smear test.
* I have a mole on my face that over the last six months has changed shape, grown in size and puffed up but I have not mentioned it to my doctor.
* 5 months ago I had a blood test which came back as having too many white blood cells in it and I was asked to go back after a month to have another test as if it came back the same more investigating would need to be done and I never went back to have the test.
* I am stupidly over weight and I never exercise.
* I have been trying to quite smoking for the last 19 months but yet am still smoking over 40 a day.
* I drink 3 – 5 litres of diet coke every day.
* My teeth are in a terrible state where they have broken off (probably due to all the carbonated drinks that I have and times where I have not looked after them properly due to being ill) and I have not been to a dentist (I am petrified of them after a few very bad experiences) for at least 7 years.
* I am 3 years late on getting my eyes checked at the opticians.
* I rarely bother to get myself dressed unless I am going out and I rarely leave my house.
* I never use the many face creams and body creams that I have and I do not take care of my appearance as I should.

My relationships.
* I have been with my husband for 18 years but I am really not happy and I think that he is not happy with me either but he is just too scared to admit it. He has changed so much over the years that most of the time I do not even like him.
* I do not have the relationship that I had hoped and dreamed of with my two older children and I do not know how to put it right.
* I have no friends either in the real world or online.
* I do not get on at all with my sister and although I have actually tried on several occasions to put this right she does not want to know.
* I have no relationship with my dad as he left when I was a baby and although I have found him on three separate occasions over the years he does not want to be part of my life although he will not tell me why.

* We are constantly struggling with money and we have no savings and are in debt up to our eyeballs.
* My credit is terrible.
* I have no work experience as I have either been in education or at home.
* I have GCSE’s A levels and a half finished social work degree as I had to drop out half way through the second year due to me being ill with ME.
* I have no proper routine in place to keep up with house work.
* I have been living at my current home for 18 months now and I still have loads of boxes that I have not even unpacked.
* I have terrible bouts of anxiety and I can not answer a ringing phone unless it is my husband that is calling me.

I was inspired to write this post as I was reading a post on the Kate on thin ice blog and I decided that I would join in as I really need to get my groove back! I just don’t know where to start?!?

Kate wanted to know what we dream of and she said to dream big so this is my list of what I would like life to be like.
  1. Loose weight.
  2. Get myself healthy in terms of all my health problems that I listed earlier.
  3. To not suffer with depression or anxiety any more and eventually come off the medication.
  4. To finally quite smoking for good.
  5. To look after myself and make more effort with my appearance.
  6. To save my marriage.
  7. To have a better relationship with my older two daughters and my sister.
  8. To have some friends in both the real world and online.
  9. To sort out our finances and be able to live comfortably and without being in debt with bad credit.
  10. To set up my own business which I talked about in my new year resolutions post.
  11. To have an organised and clean home.
  12. To be making the most of every moment as no one knows how long we are going to get.

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  1. says:
    Thank you for sharing that honest and poignant reality of what depression can look like, feel, and do. To often if we are suffering, we are unwilling to bare all the truth of how deep the suffering goes. We are afraid to share because too often, we are told messages that we internalize, that cause us shame and guilt for not being better at being a person at life. Often times people fail to realize this is our life, this is the hand we were dealt, and we got to live, cope, or sometimes survive the dark times. We need support to do that. It is interesting to me I came to read your post! I am writing my memoir with my sister and guess what’s up on my life line. Yup a spiral into depression that I have been avoiding writing about... The sharing you gave has encouraged me! You are right we do matter, we do deserve to be heard, and we are trying to be the best me we can on any given day. I admire your willingness to be a voice of truth for us that shy away from it. Thank you ! ??
    1. says:
      Thank you very much for such a lovely and thoughtful comment. I hope that you are well and doing the best that you can which is enough :-)

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