Friendship is something that I have really struggled with throughout my whole life and at the age of 33 years old I still do not understand it.
I was bullied for most of my school years so I didn’t really have many friends at all and then when I left school I was pregnant with Lauren so I lost touch with the few friends that I had as they were doing teen things and I was in a completely different stage of life living with my now husband and having my children.
I made a few friends when years later I returned to college and university but they were not friendships that followed on from the courses, I suppose that they were friendships of convenience as once the courses where over so were the friendships.
As an adult I have really only had two friendships that really mattered to me but they both ended in disaster and they put me off even trying to make any more friends for years.
The first was a lady that I met in hospital. We got on really well but then once I left the hospital we lost touch and then a few years later I was helping on a school trip with Chloe and she was there helping too as her son was in the same class as Chloe and we had never realised until then. We both felt a really strong connection and I felt so close to her as if she was a sister and we saw each other loads, doing things with the kids and sharing everything. The problem was that she was often unwell and I started to feel as if I was the one doing all the work for the friendship and it didn’t matter what was going on in my life, it was all about her. In 2009 I was ill with the ME and Faith was a baby and I found out that she was back in hospital so I visited her almost daily, I went into town to get things that she needed and I looked after her son at weekends for her and then when she came home from hospital I let her move in for a few days to get back on her feet and when she left she said that she would call me and she never did! I couldn’t believe that I had done so much for her and then she had just carried on with her life completely ignoring me and what I had done. A few years later and I found her on Facebook and I decided to put the past in the past and try again as I genuinely missed her and I wanted her back in my life but again it was all about her and her problems and in the end I just gave up. I said to myself if she ever makes the effort to find me and re-establish the friendship then I would be accepting and happy to do so, but so far in life she has not.
The second was a lady that I met through a ‘meet a mum’ board on Netmums when Faith was little. Again I felt a strong connection with her and we really hit it off. I would see her at least once a week and it was nice as she had little ones too so they could play while we chatted. We were very similar in lot’s of ways and the friendship really meant a lot to me. Then one day out of the blue at a time when I was giving up smoking so I had planned to stay at home for a week or so until I had gotten over the worst of it I noticed that she had gone very quiet with me so I sent her a message asking if everything was ok and she had a right go at me saying that I was not there for her when she needed me and I was what was called a fair weather friend. I could not understand it as she had told me she was a bit down about the tax credits saying that they owed money and not sure how she was going to pay it and I had responded to her and then the next day I had texted to see if she was ok, I really do not know what I was suppose to do. I decided that I would rather have the friendship then be right so I apologised and asked if we could start again and she said that we could but every time I asked if we could meet up she would make an excuse and she never texted or messaged me unless it was an answer to what I had said and it was very cold and matter of fact, so in the end I gave up. A year or so later I messaged her and said that it would be nice if we could be friends again and that I missed her and she said yes but again she never made any effort or agreed to any plans to meet up so I gave up again.
After that I told myself I would never let anyone get close to me again as I had been hurt too much by people that I thought were my friends and I busied myself with the kids and running a home and so on. The problem is that now I have two teenagers with their own life’s and my youngest is now in school I am finding life to be very lonely.
When it comes to being a friend I think that you should be there for each other through good times and bad. You should be able to trust and confide in each other. You should be able to see each other regularly even if only once a month and you should keep in touch by phone calls, texts or e-mails. I do not understand why I can not seem to make and keep some friends as in my opinion I am a good friend for someone to have.
Even if I did pluck up the courage to try and make a new friend or two I don’t have a clue as to where I would start? I think that most people make friends while in education, work or at toddler groups. I have no intentions of returning to study, I am starting a business with Darren so no chance for making work friends and all of my kids are grown so no toddler groups. How on earth am I to make a friend now?